funny things with the Bible ...
January 2015 - Warum man die Bibel selbst lesen soll ... (für allem für Wolf-Haas-Fans)
<seems 2014 was not a funny year ... >
October 2013 - A contextual commentary on John 3:17
spoken by a chief of Grikua people, southern Angola,
facing one of the many battles against South African Boers.
We pray to You in our need, we pray to You day and night.
But yet we cannot win any battle.
Tomorrow we will have to face another battle, a big and dangerous one.
We need Your help as urgent as never before.
Please hear our prayer. Come and save us!
Please come You yourself. Don’t send Your son.
The battle will be dangerous and the help of a child will not be enough.
September 2013 - Man soll die Säue nicht vor die Perlen werfen - oder so ...
December 2012 - A narrative commentary on John 14:13: "Whatever you ask in my name I will do, so that the Father may be glorified in the Son."
In a small town, a person decided to open up a brothel, which was right opposite to a church. The church and its congregation started a campaign to block the brothel from opening with petitions and prayed daily against this business.
Work progressed. However, when it was almost complete and was about to open a few days later, a strong lightning struck the brothel and it was burnt to the ground.
The church folks were rather smug in their outlook after that, till the brothel owner sued the church authorities on the grounds that the church through its congregation and prayers was ultimately responsible for the destruction of his brothel, either through direct or indirect actions or means.
In its reply to the court, the church vehemently denied all responsibility or any connection that their prayers were reasons for the act of God. As the case made its way into court, the judge looked over the paperwork at the hearing and commented:
"I don't know how I'm going to decide this case, but it appears from the paperwork, we have a brothel owner who believes in the power of prayer and we have an entire church that does not."
March 2012 - Kids ...
One Sunday morning Little Joey raised his hand and proceeded to ask his Sunday school teacher a question that had perplexed him for some time.
"Mr. Goldblatt," said little Joey, "there's something I can't figure out. According to the Bible, the children of Israel crossed the Red Sea, right?"
"Er, right.""And the children of Israel built the Temple, right?"
"Again you're right.""And the children of Israel fought the Egyptians and the Children of Israel were always doing something important, right?"
"All that is right, too," agreed Mr. Goldblatt. "So what's your question, Joey?""Soooooooooo! If all that was done by the CHILDREN of Israel, what were the grown-ups doing all time????"
January 2012 - What if ...
What if the Holy Kings who visited Jesus would have been Holy Queens? Very simple: They would have arrived in time without any star and stuff, they would have asked for the way, they would have helped Mary in gving birth. the would have braught something useful, they would have helped Mary with caring for the baby and they of course would have cared for cooking and cleaning the house also.
BUT later they would have commented on the visit saying:
"Did you seeeeee what Mary was wearing with this green scarf?"
"And theeeeeeese brown sandals!"
"She really needed help."
"I always knew that she was not the big talent for housekeeping!"
"Will she ever return our tupperware, where the noodles were in?"
"They say Joseph is jobless now ..."
"Did you notice that the baby doesnt look like Joseph AT ALL?"
"VIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRGIN? Hah! I know her since college ..."
December 2011 - "I see myself ! " / (not so funnny ...)
The young man was very upset when he came to his preacher. He just had read Matthew 19:23-24 - for the first time in his life.
He asked the man of God:
"Pastor, I always believed that Jesus loves ALL of us, but how then can he say 'it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God'? - Is that love?"
The wise old man told him to look through the window. "What do you see?"
- "I see houses and trees and birds in the trees, people walking around, children playing, sellers in the street, beggars sitting there, the neighbor beating his wife - a lot of things", replied the young Christian.
Then he was told to look at the mirror, and the pastor asked: "What are you seeing now?"
- "I see myself!"
"That's it", said the preacher sadly, "That's it! Already a very very thin layer of silver behind the glass makes you forget the rest of the world and see only yourself! That's the problem ..."
November 2011 - in fear of the evil one ...
The priest asks little Johnny if he is scared of meeting satan.
Little Johnny says,
July 2011 - What if ...
What would have happened if God would have located Paradise in China?
Nothing! We still would be there!
Adam and Eve would have ignored the forbidden fruit while eating the snake with holy appetite ...
DECEMBER 2010 - Small mistakes ...
How Small Mistakes can cost in Life, friends, love, trust and opportunities.
A Baker was asked to print 1.John 4:18 on a wedding cake and he omitted
the first part and wrote John 4:18.
1.John 4:18 reads "There is no fear in love; but perfect love cast out
fear: because fear has torment. He that fears is not made perfect in love.
John 4:18 reads "For you have had five husbands; and he whom you now have
is not your husband."
What would you do if you were the one realizing the mistake on your wedding day ?
OCTOBER 2010 - The missing R
A young monk arrives at the monastery.
He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons
and laws of the church by hand.
He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies,
not from the original manuscript.
So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this,
pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy,
it would never be picked up!
In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies
The head monk, says,
“We have been copying from the copies for centuries,
but you make a good point, my son.”
He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery
where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault
that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years.
Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot.
So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him.
He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing.
“We missed the R !
The young monk asks the old abbot, 'What's wrong, father?'
With a choking voice, the old abbot replies,
„The word was...
APRIL 2010 - Better Not To Mess With Children
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said,"When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah." The teacher asked,"What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied,"Then YOU ask him."
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, "I'm drawing God." The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like." Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honour" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching." Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."
NOVEMBER 2008 - On Harare Bulawayo road, a Pastor met a team of policemen who, quite naturally, wanted 'something' from him just like any other person. Since he was not prepared to play their games, they asked for his papers and having combed through everything without any offence with which to nail the pastor, they now asked him to open the bonnet of his car. A careful scrutiny of the engine number against What was on the paper revealed that letter U was written in such a way that it could be mistaken for letter V. That was all the Officer-in-charge (OC) needed to shout "stolen vehicle”! Sensing trouble, even when he knew he committed no offence, the pastor called the OC to say he was a priest to which the Officer replied:” Please, leave that pastor thing ... in any case; if you are indeed a pastor, then you must have a Bible in your car". The Pastor said "yes" and the Officer asked him to bring it.
The Pastor did as was commanded after which the officer now ordered: "Please read Matthew 5:25, 26 to me". The incredulous Pastor opened to the recommended passage and read:
"Settle matters quickly with your adversary who is taking you to court. Do it while you are still with him on the way, or he may hand you over to a judge, and the judge may hand you over to the officer, and you may be thrown into prison. I tell you the truth; you will not get out until you have paid the last penny."
The man of God quietly made an "offering" of "just” ZW-$ 1,000,000 to his newly found "preacher"." End of service! Go in peace and argue no more", said the OC.